Warning signs you feel or observe, which tell you something is wrong, or something undesirable will happen that will affect your relationship with someone. These signs are Red Lights of Relationship.
The word, “your partner”, and “your love” used in this article suggest someone who you will glad accept to be married to, if things work out. “In relationship” means the period of friendship between two people before they get married.
Emotions cloud reasoning
Emotion is defined by Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary as a strong feeling such as love, fear, or anger; the part of a person’s character that consists of feelings. I describe emotion as a behavior that away reasoning from your action. I just heard you scream, “This is ridiculous!” Yes! This view about emotion may be even more ridiculous than you thought. Shall we analyze this please.
Behavior is anything you do which others can see. Emotion is considered by many as feeling you hold inside of you which moves you to act in a specific way. I can strongly tell you that this is only applicable to a little kid. As a kid grows day by day, the child begins to realize that not everybody that cries needed a ‘sorry’. This child also learns that the show of pity does not attract the same type of response. For example, in the case of a kid being manhandled by a stranger, your emotions can move you to get the child out of trouble. In another case, where you interfer with police activity no matter how brutal the treatment of suspects may seem, you will be arrested and branded an accomplice. The list to illustrate this may go on many pages.
Let me take you back to where we started. You can master you emotions. When emotions are not express, they are not seen. When they are not seen, they do not exist. How do you know you are acting out of emotions and not reasoning? When you ask your man to travel long distance just to see you, without considering his safety. If you place high demands on your man without finding out how bouyant he is. When you frequently visit your woman without finding out how comfortable she is with that. When you demand that your man go out with you as much as possible without considering his daily plan. When you always show up with your woman just to keep all men from her. If you don’t easily let go of your partner whenever you meet, and you become the major cause of lateness and missed appointments.
Do you not know that you cannot keep your partner in friendship prison during relationship? If you succeed in scaring your partner’s friends away, you just made life miserable for the one you claim you love. You may as well have opened many options of finding your replacement, and then you will be abandoned.
Actions that contradict your belief
Do you have some belief? Are they firm and strong to have thrived in societal pressures over the years? If you answered yes, then proceed; if no, then check yourself again. What you believe in, is what stirrs you through the storms of life.
This belief has been your confession over the years and you have boldly stood by it. You have also lost some of your friends because they have rejected both you and your belief. Now here you are; happy with someone you met sometime ago. Your love has become the force that cause you to bend in your belief. Your love said something that got you startled at first; but later you consented. In that special secluded place, your partner made some moves on you; you put up some resistance at first, but look at you now, you really enjoy the whole action. Then your conscience picks up the little courage left in it and ask you, “Why did you bend your belief?”, and you boldly answered, “I did what I did because I am in love.”
The desire to disclose what you want in your partner
There is this natural urge to assert what you want in your partner. Most people called this exercise, “Watchout for another.” Some even write lists titled, “What would you want me to change in myself so that you love me more?” I must say this is hilarious! One of the greatest jokes I have ever heard. When you do this, you turn your relationship into a mechanical one.
There is this friend of mine, her experience during courtship examplifies this point. She is a natural beauty, of average height, ebony dark skin, and wears a dimple cheek ever smiling face. No one escapes her captivating smiles. She had a fiance who loved her her. She also admited that she loved him. Remember I said before that she is a natural beauty, which means that without make-up she is still pretty. She is the type that dress simple. No additional eye lashes; no nail paintings or fixes; and she rarely wear hair attachments. One day after work, I discovered she had her finger and toe nails painted for the first time. As women are gifted in capturing men’s gestures, this lady caught me starring at her. She was uneasy at first, but then she asked me, “Are the paintings ok?” I did replied,”They are done neatly.” I quickly added,”You don’t paint. Why now?” She replied sincerely, “My fiance made me do it. He insisted that I paint my finger and toe nails, because he love ladies that way.” The big question is, “Will this lady continue painting after marriage?” My friend and her love are happily married now, although I have not seen her since she is married.
Whatever you see in your partner before marriage, accept that unconditionally. So that if any of the things you observed changes in your favour, will become a bonus and a plus to your marriage. Another friend of mine who is tall, and a black beauty, married an overweight husband (so she said). However, after few months, she succeeded in making her husband a slim fit. Trust me, she has maintained her body weight and structure till now. I believe her commitment to keep fit motivated her husband. If you have a man with protruding stomach who is interested in you, do not worry. Do you have a lady you love who is overweight? You can try some slim diets. My word of caution is, “In all your doings, do not push your partner too far.” You must first accept your partner for who he is.
Suppress the natural self of your partner, because you want your partner to remain in the confines of the perfect mate
Consider the one you love as someone who have developed over the years, and any imperfection you observed is formed from these years of development. You can not deal with it overnight. It is a gradual process. You may also be tempted to sheild your partner from public view because of the one you love, or be seen taking a walk together.
The most common reason people think hiding the true self of their partner is because of what history holds. At this point, you have to be bold and without shame; ready to defend the change in your spouse to be, if at all you believe it did happen.
Fear to lose your partner, which leads you to hide something about yourself
There is the natural tendency to conceal something about yourself from your partner, which may terminate your relationship. Humans are full of secrets. Yes! We cannot do without secrets. The easiest way to conquer your rivals is to learn of all their secrets. Bad records about you, crimes committed in the past, evil trend in your family, are the major culprits which push you into keeping your partner in the dark from really knowing who you are.
“What is the difference that I shut up now and later let it out when we are married? I do not want to lose this person as I lost my first love.” Well said, and with lots of reasons. My question to you is, “Do you want to lose someone you love before you are married, or after you are married?” Think twice before you ruin your relationship. Keep on the losing trend till you find someone who will love you unconditionally. This you will know when you become married after you revealed everything needed to be known about yourself. I must tell you, that you need a lot of courage to do this, and also a pack of hankerchief to cry when you lose again.
The failure to accept the fact that your partner is not a kid you can change over night
You must live by this golden rule, “Adults majorly are changed by two factors: a. Events of big magnitude that send fear down their spines, b. The gradual process of time”. I must add that this rule only apply to natural sources of change. We cannot ignore spiritual influence and the changes it can bring. God can change your partner. If you know how to pray, then pray. The bad news is, both of you must be God’s own children (saved through salvation) before you can make such request. There is no such thing as praying that your partner cross from darkness into light, so that you will become husband and wife.
A lot of people enter courtship inorder to plug the many holes in the character of their partner. I wonder what material these plugs are made off. Something that can last for a period of time – say half a year. I consider courtship as a school that enrolls many young people into courses that train them to become expert pretenders. Courtship may be the last resort for those who do not know God. For those who pray to God, and are His children, all they need is to ask for guidance. When God says someone is fitting for you, then that person is really right for you to marry without any fear of future mishap. So, why the long process of probing, and testing to know whether you can marry your partner? Did I say that courtship is wrong? No! Prolonged courtship suggests suspicion, unreadiness, and fear to lose someone you think only you deserve to have.
Your inability to be firm and fair to yourself about who you want
You keep multiple intimate relationships all pointing to marriage. You say to yourself, “If one fails, the other will work.” You are smart! Bravo! In our world today, it is called ‘watching out for yourself; the recipe for best survival.’ However, in my own developed vocabulary, it is known as third degree level of selfishness. The first and second degrees of selfishness are both self-centered, but still respect the hapiness of others. Third degree of selfishness is equivalent to wickedness. You do not deal with toys and robots when you are in relationship, but rather with human heart, soul, and future.
You are a lady, and you go out with the attitude of ‘I am still single and searching’; when in reality you have more than one other suitors on your list you have responded positively to. You are a man, and your mouth will not keep shut when you meet another pretty lady; you soon forget that the, ‘I love you. I want to marry you’, which you said to this lady is the 10th proposal you have made without getting a reply from your first one.
This section needs a lot of thinking. Are you guilty of the above? Get a pen and paper, write down the names of all the people you had agreed to marry, but you later let them down. Do you want to know what you will do with that list? No way! I am not going to tell you, at least not here. If you are truely sorry for what you did, you will know the exact thing to do.
The desire to to touch, caress, or kiss each other
Anything you have done before you are married can never be new after you are married. If you have known each other sexually while single; you will not find joy in sex during marriage. For joy comes from things that are new, and that without any limit. No number of times and length of time within a day will get you bored with sex, only when both of you know deep down within yourselves that you have truely waited patiently in chastity.
The monster that plagues many people – sexual urge, surfaces at this point. Sexual urge is a natural phenomenon. When it is over your control it becomes a monster; but when it is under your control it is pleasurable at the right time (in marriage). I am going to paint a clear picture of what sexual urge is, and how many young people satisfy theirs. If you are not mature to read on, please skip this section.
Sexuality is, “The feelings and activities connected with a person’s sexual desires”, as defined by Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary. We will use this definition also for sexual urge, although it excludes the activities. Sexual urge is just a feeling. What you do with the feeling is what makes it right or evil. We will first consider some popular words known to young people of our time. They are: ‘sex’, ‘sexy’, ‘virgin’, ‘breast’, ‘dick’, ‘kiss’, ‘hug’, ‘pet name’, and ‘petting’. Whenever any of these words are said, your sexual attitude is set on alert. Do we give kudos to the young lovers that do not indulge in sex? Sex is considered as the climax of a relationship. The question is, “Do you need to have sexual intercourse with your partner in order to show love?” So many young people, including you, may not be bold to answer ‘yes’ to this question.
The growing greed to twart the principle of self-control which God had instituted since the world began, has made lovers get smarter. Two people in love can, in our time, do everything sexually activating other than sexual intercourse. This is called heavy petting; where lovers kiss and touch themselves in a sexual way, and yet avoid penetration. Most young people go for this option because they believe through this they satisfy themselves, and still preserve their virginity. Some young people do not go to the extent. To them, kissing and hugging will do. Some other young people prefer to provide sexual stimulation by themselves. They do this by watching pornographic media, or masturbation, or the combination of both. These two method are commended by most media as the safest methods of deriving sexual comfort; since the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is none. Are they right? Masturbation is another monster that plagues many young lives. The most evil in this is that it is not considered as an evil. People do not see anything wrong in this practice. The reason it is a wide spread practice among young people is, “Masturbation is very safe health wise, and very private in such a way that no one will know how much time you spent doing it.” Males do masturbate by rubbing their dick with their palms and allow sperm to be released. Females masturbate by using an object, or by fingering themselves. Fingering can be by one finger or by inserting a whole fist. Does one of these describe you?
I consider, ‘heavy petting’, ‘masturbation’, and ‘pornography’ as better options to sexual intercourse, which lovers indulge in to appease their sexual task master -sexual urge. Just one-step into any of these gets you trapped. Then you keep doing it until you cannot do without it. If these were better option to God’s command, “Do not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), then there will be no need for the same God to list, “Self-control” as the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). You can come out of this mess in just two steps. Step 1 says, “Accept that the sexual way of satisfaction you practice is evil.” Step 2 says, “Stop what you do immediately. If you cannot, then call on Jesus to help you.”
Lack of patience to see things work out between both of you.
You act with such quick strides that you skip events that should have taken place. You are such in a hurry to see things work the way you wish. Patience is far from your attitude. Long suffering is a taboo in your vocabulary. You quickly forget that patience is an integral part of true love.
An individual who claims to be in love with you; but gives you short or no time to consider his demands, is not worth the trial. Love sees beyond personal wants; goes further than one’s strength; and waits even if it is forever. It is a big red light when your partner is impatient with you, no matter how little the matter may be.
You force your partner, even scold, and threaten to quit the relationship when your partner fails to treat you as a spouse; although both of you are not yet married.
Watch out for conditional love statements which threaten to deny you love. When your partner put up an attitude which says, “Hey! If you do not do this, you will not be mine.” Think twice about your imposing lover.
Do you not know that treating you like a wife or a husband, when you are not, will never change the fact that you are not. Begin a relationship in such a way that even if it ends half way and both of you go seperate ways, you will not leave part of you with the other. With this positive approach, you will never be heart broken.
Women mostly use threats to sustain their relationship. This may work for you, but not further than marriage. Your will and antics in manupulating your man may have been successful because the man feels he has not gotten his own share of the cake. Many young single ladies do not realize that it is only good character that keeps a man tightly close to you till old age, when physical beauty do not count. Your beauty now is astounding. You have a perfect height and enviable facial structure. Your total body structure is near the description of the world’s most adored doll, ‘Barbie’. Your breast size cause traffic for male beholders. Then you think your lover cannot do without you because of all these physical qualities. When he does not get you gifts; take you out; show up with you at places of your choice; you threaten to leave the relationship. Do you know what you are gradually turning yourself into? Let me tell you. You are woman that is only valuable in public places; at least, an item to make-up your man’s ego. You are simply not fitting to run his home. This is why many ladies speak ill of men by saying, “He dumped me when he wanted to pick a wife. All men are the same old liers!”
The bottom line of this section is that your character rather than your body complexion and structure gives a solid foundation to your relationship. This will also sustain your marriage without any fear of divorce. I heard you scream, “Are men saints?” Men do brag with their fat bank accounts, and lure women with huge and baseless gifts. Soon after marriage, when you run low on cash, your wife abandones you. Then, you wake up to the reality that your wife had married your wealth.
Do not be overbearing, over-demanding.
To be overbearing or over-demanding will only make you look selfish and self-centered. If you make your partner to tolerate you during relationship, you will also be tolerated during marriage. Do you really want to be tolerated or loved? You choose one.
You need to be a good listener and observer for you not to trigger this red light. When your partner place unnecessary and unreasonable demands on you, and your life becomes uneasy more than when you were without a lover, then know that your marriage may be unbearable as well. Since two good heads are better than one; now you met each other, things should be more easy. If they are not, then one of you are with the bad head.
This is a simple scale to measure your partner’s ability to care, forgive, and love you in marriage. Note that some people place silent demands, while others place pronounced demands on you. Which ever is the case, you will always feels this red alert inside inside of you. Do not ignore this or you will head toward an unbearable marriage.
The non-existence of defined relationship
Defining relationship involves noting where, when, and how it all began; setting boundaries to how you relate with each other. Such boundaries can change as the relationship grow stronger. How do you know you have no boundary or weak boundary? If you are hugged without expecting it; or you are kissed suddenly; or you are visited at an unwelcomed hour; or your partner handles your personal item without permit from you; or he announces to friends that you are his love, when you have not given your consent; or put up your photo on a profile without your approval. When you see any of these, know that either you have not defined your boundaries, or your set boundaries are seen as weak, or your partner has no respect for you. Any one who takes you for granted is not worth the trial. You may say, “Let me give him a chance to change”, but I tell you, go ahead at your own risk.
There are natural boundaries, such as: a man cannot touch a woman’s breast without a formal union called marriage; a man cannot just walk up to a lady and kiss her, without an agreement being reached through gestures; a lady cannot expose her breasts in a bid to attract men, without being regarded as a whore. The learned behavior of saying, “I am sorry” cannot cover this flaw. The strong words of, “I love you”, cannot erase the fact that your relationship may be heading for the rocks.
It is very important that your partner understands and respects you. Without respect shown by your partner, you are a nonentity even though the words and gifts of your lover to you say otherwise. Be wise!
Watch out you do not become a puppet in the hands of your partner
Manipulation is the monster here. You will know that you are a puppet in the hands of your partner, when the love you have enjoyed suddenly disappeared because you refused to respond to a demand.
You are a puppet not because you act according to the wish of your partner, but because your partner withdraws love shown to you immediately you put up any form of resistance. At this point your power of reasoning is taken away from you. Your social boundaries are destroyed, and new ones set by your partner. Your daily schedules are controlled by your partner. In all these, you consent to your lover’s overwhelming comtrol of your life. I must say that you are pitable. In what I call silent suffering you console yourself by saying, “My obedience and submission will pay off when I succeed in keeping this individual till we are married.” Some ladies will say, “I love him, that is why I do everything he says.” What a love! I must tell you, such love does not last. This type of love has an element of fear in it.
You should know that marriage has more relaxed atmosphere than courtship. What you fear may stirr up trouble now, and you are so cautious not to do, you will do when you are married. Most lovers pretend to be gullible and agree to whatever their partner demands. Soon, in marriage they realize that the fear of losing their spouse because of disagreement is gone; they disclose their true self – an individual with strong will.
Whatever character in your partner you observed during relationship which you cannot bear; be ready to live with that in marriage.
To leave with something you don’t like means to have complementary strengths to the weaknesses of your partner. If you do not posses such strengths, and you will not develop in those areas and assume all the responsiblities involved; it is better to quit the relationship early enough.
Character is grown over a period of time. In relationship, this is not the period to change another’s character. The best you can do is to discover the real character of your partner. The character of two individuals in a relationship should complement each other. That is, strengths match up with weaknesses. If at this point you say that two opposites do attract best, you are right. However, note that this statement does not hold when you compare light and darkness.
Different anologies could be made to further explain how character strengths and weaknesses could combine to give a working marriage. The individual with character strengths must be strong, firm, forgiving, unrelenting, and unconditionally carry out the responsibility of overshadowing the weakness of the other. Any moment the individual fails in this, a big crack is formed in the relationship. Follow through the following analogies and pay careful attention to the strengths you are to uphold strongly, and the weakness you are to silently and effectively overshadow. Pick on the weaknesses you discovered in your partner and match them with the stated equivalent strengths. Do you have most of the below strengths, at least 90% of them? Are you ready to use your strength to overshadow the weakness in your partner?
- – Your partner is quick to talk; you should be a very good listener, who is able to pay attention most of the time.
- – Your partner is the lazy type, and always talk about easy means of getting everything done; you should be able to work two shifts or sign-up for two jobs in order to pay for the bills.
- – Your partner has the difficulty to say no to requests; you should be known as one who is firm in decisions, and always look out for your partner.
- – Your partner easily gets into trouble because of ill-temper; you should have the skills to riggle out of any type of situation. Go get yourself a good attorney too.
- – Your man is easily captivated by other women; you should always act attractive to him, and make it a mandate to dress pretty daily.
- – Your woman compares you with other men who are far richer than you; you should be plain about your financial status at all times.
- – Your partner is easily hurt, and goes into days of silence; you should learn thousand ways of saying, “I am sorry.” Your worry should not be how to prevent another hurt, but your ability to break another moment of silence.
- – Your partner is very impatient; you should be patient, and ready to accept blames for what is not your fault.
PLEASE NOTE: This article should not be regarded as a complete guide. Each individual is unique. Every relationship is different in its own way. The writer is not liable for any undesirable result you may get as a result of reading the content of this article.
This article was originally written by emeka Nd. To read it online, go to: